How many times have we ascended this hill
Noting the position of swans, the level of the pond’s lap
on wet grass, the straw hats of tourists like slow revolving UFOs.
Bags crammed with paper, we seek some kind of knowledge,
or just direction or companionship or whatever,
I don’t know. This is the first paradox.
This is the canon of the judges. Hammer by hammer,
each fact weighed, developing rules, rules,
we try to peel them back, to see what light existed
in the minds of the ages – treat your neighbour as yourself,
use your land so as not to harm another’s, and do not
deceive those who are rely on you. It is despicable.
Truths: People believe in property because
they need to feel they belong. They make promises
because of fear and rely on people who say pretty things
because nothing hurts like hunger in the heart.
Here is a pen, a paper, make your prayer.
Do you need a lawyer?
In the yellow glow of books, I study the day’s facts,
Extract the rules of being me. A dog knows it’s a dog.
A cat must feel like a cat. But I have no conception of myself.
I sieve the day’s words into the effective and the not.
Was I brief, concise, thoughtful and clear?
I just want to know for sure that I can be heard.
Across the script of my books, I trace circles
waiting desperately to see if the ends will meet
so that there will be no ending, only completeness.
These catchments are little worlds – yours, mine, his, hers.
I want to make them integrate but no matter what I do
The words are only fragments, they cannot form wholes
Drifting in scribbles.
Well, as you might already be able to tell, I can’t quite draw. Still, I had fun with the fish. Have a good weekend everyone! Do some drawing!
“Sometimes things don’t go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don’t fail,
sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.”
~Sometimes, Sheenagh Pugh
My head’s been swimming recently. Feels like a lot of difficult decisions and complicated things have come together all at once. It ought to be straightforward, but I find myself paralyzed, as people often do when they most need to move forward.
But it’s not been too bad. There have been interesting things. As part of my adventures as a lab rat for the psychology department, I received a book voucher for doing well on a memory task. And on another occasion, I bought myself a lot of kit-kats after being systematically conditioned to favour unhealthy food over healthy food.
I managed to finish a piece of pair work with a friend on a high note, after a lot of agonizing over details I thought was sure to damage our relationship for good. And I had a heart-to-heart talk with another friend that helped us to see life through each other’s (very different) eyes. Each in their own way both of them told me, to do as my heart leads and let nothing hinder me.
Life rolls on, and I continue, as brave as I am scared. Though I may not be much of a christian, I still believe that all will be well in the end.
So ends my attempt at writing some kind of concrete update about my life. If you happen to be reading this, then hope you have a good day, and for my friends having exams, all the best! (: